magnolia vice
by milk ghost
Summary: Catching bad guys and looking damn fine while doing it. That's how they roll in the Nine-Nine.—natsu/lucy


**notes:** yes but imagine natsu with a boston accent.i don't care if the show that this is loosely based off of takes place in brooklyn. just _imagine it. _**  
dedication:** to strawberry lemonade and mekaku city actors. i rewatched it and cried myself a river. **  
disclaimer:** lol this is trash i am trash, i should live in a can.  
**summary: **(brooklyn nine-nine!au) Catching bad guys and looking damn fine while doing it. (A memoir of The Most Badass Detective Ever and his partner, who is a Star. Also includes some other people but at least like seven of them are Assholes.—Natsu Dragneel, the man in question.)

(_x_)

(_this one's for us, not for you_)

(_x_)

_1:24 P.M.  
Magnolia's 99th Precinct_

"If you tap that pen against your desk _one more time, _I'm gonna do the same with your head," Gray growls at the detective across the aisle. "Except harder. You'll be seeing stars for a week."

Natsu pauses, fist with one of his partner's ballpoint pens poised in mid-swing. Gray is seated at his desk behind a mountain of paperwork, over which he is glaring literal daggers at Natsu. Like, his eyes are deep, dark pits of nothing but fury and irritation and some intent. There's also a hella ton of malice and iciness that Vanilla Ice would be proud of. A perfect example of just _why _he's so damn good at getting perps and suspects to talk, because he _is _damn good. And that cold, hard glare might make Natsu shiver if he wasn't on the receiving end of it so much.

He keeps a blank expression, making sure to maintain direct eye contact with Gray, and taps the pen extra hard on the edge of his desk. Mainly it's just a) to piss him off, because Fullbuster is a surprisingly irritable person, and that is why b) he also gets so much enjoyment out of watching the detective implode.

It's great.

Also, he's not sure how Gray can even hear him through all the everyday precinct noise. Seriously, there are phones ringing, the sound of paper being shuffled from every which way, officers are chatting, the coffee machine is making the weird Transformer noises again, Wakaba is snoring like a lawn mower with hardcore engine problems, arrestees are complaining—the usual, "but you've got the wrong guy!" and the ever classy, "and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for—", and there is just clattering in general. He doesn't know where it's coming from, but it is there. Sometimes Natsu thinks that he needs a filter just to be able to hear himself well, think.

Then again, he can clearly hear Cana smacking her gum away like she's sitting right next to him, so.

Gray looks positively livid, so livid, in fact, that Natsu can see a vein bulging above his temple. Shooting him a cheesy grin, Natsu taps the pen once again before throwing it at the other detective like a dart. It makes contact—_bullseye!_—it the middle of the target, which is coincidentally also Gray's forehead. He would throw up his hands and shout 'score!' but Gray is already rising from his seat and lunging for him.

He is saved, however, by the precinct doors opening. All eyes go straight to the sight, but Natsu's zero in on one person alone. His partner is attempting to corral a struggling man with what looks like pickle relish and gumbo stuck in his beard. It's useless though, because she's too determined to let him go. Also, there's two officers and Redfox dragging in his own perpetrator right beside her. The gumbo-pickle man wouldn't get far.

The uniformed officers are hauling bags of white powder in the direction of Narcotics, and—oh. He glances at the files on the desk in front of him—the stack is significantly less than the one messily piled on his, and arranged neatly—and the one on top sticks out to him. It's all the information on the drug operation that's suspected of being run out of the deli on Tenth Street downtown. Come to think of it, he thinks that he's gotten lunch from there a few times.

As Natsu makes a horrible face at his realization, Lucy hands off the still protesting owner of the deli and heads over to the white board hanging on the wall. In the corner, there are two names written in red dry erase marker with two equally red borders drawn around them. Under those names are numbers, both in the double digits. One of the names is Lucy's; the other is his.

The blonde picks up the eraser and wipes off the four at the end of her twenty-four, and changes it to twenty-five. It's only two numbers away from his twenty-eight, and he narrows his eyes. She's catching up.

Lucy collapses in her desk chair but spins around to face him. She rolls herself the three feet toward his desk and leans her elbows on it. Her smile is nearly blinding. "So the deli on Tenth," she begins perkily, "totally a back alley drugstore. That's one more for me, Natsu. You'd better watch your back—or at least finish your paperwork. It's like I'm staring down a mountain."

Redfox—better known as Gajeel—stops by his desk because life is unfair. "Didn't you get a sub from there last week? The salami one with mustard. I thought the mustard looked kind of like nuclear waste."

Natsu can't keep the shudder from happening, and Gajeel goes on because he sucks. "Man, there are some nasty conditions in that kitchen—aside from the fact that they manufacture drugs, obviously. I saw at least four cockroaches. Maybe some black mold."

Lucy nods and taps her chin absentmindedly. "I felt like I needed to take a shower as soon as we got out of there. It smelled like old shoes. I'm fairly sure that it received a D on the annual Health Department Inspection. Maybe even lower. Can you get a lower grade than that?"

Natsu gags involuntarily, maybe even flails a little bit. Gray, Lucy, and Gajeel watch this scene in great amusement.

"Very funny guys," he says dryly, once he's managed to stop his body from spontaneously convulsing. "Ha. Ha. Shut up."

Lucy shrugs, a smile still teasing her lips. "I'm just saying, Natsu. Let us know if you feel like you've been poisoned, because you might very well have been."

Gray and Gajeel snicker at this, and Natsu is about to make a witty comeback when the doors burst open. It's such a random and dramatic event that everyone looks over, and is met with the sight of an extremely frantic and panicked Loke Celeste. His perfectly styled hair—honestly, he has to spend at least half an hour blow drying it in the morning, _at least_—is messy, his suit is askew, and his sunglasses are about to fall off his face. Natsu might laugh, if it wasn't for his expression.

"_She's coming_," Loke wheezes, likely not used to so much running. Natsu's pretty sure the redhead is supposed to be like seven blocks away right now questioning a witness of a robbery.

Heavy footsteps come up behind him and a looming presence of certain doom suddenly floods the precinct. The 'she' in question steps into the room, clothed in a crisp black blazer and dress pants, white collared shirt neatly tucked in, and scarlet hair trailing behind her. At her unexpected appearance, everyone immediately sits up a little straighter, and Natsu and Gray start to feel sweaty.

Erza Scarlet is quite possibly, the most serious person Lucy Heartfilia has ever met in her entire life, and being raised in a family of money, she's met a lot of serious people. Erza, however, takes the term 'sincere' to an entirely new level. She's also really blunt, and commanding, and frightening. Even the guys up in Major Crimes are kind of intimidated by her.

Her name is known across the precincts in town, feared and only whispered because of that fear. Legend has it that she's taken on a hundred gang members at once. She's not only an expert in hand-to-hand combat, but she can also expertly wield most types of blades, and is an excellent marksman. Also, Lucy has never seen her in a dress. Even when she goes undercover.

"What is this I hear about a bet?"

After being away on forced vacation leave for two weeks, the Titania of the Nine-Nine makes a grand and frankly, terrifying sudden appearance and the first words out of her mouth are about a bet. Lucy thinks that she is going to faint. Natsu looks outside like she feels inside.

Cana looks up from her desk and the game of Solitaire that she's been playing. She smacks her gum rather obnoxiously three times before stretching. "It's a bet, obviously."

Erza squints suspiciously at her. "About what? Who is involved?"

The brunette does not look the least bit intimidated and draws a card from the stack next to her elbow. "Well, while you were away doing whatever you do in your spare time—probably fencing or building sheds, that's my guess—Lucy here bet Natsu that she could close more cases than him by the end of the year."

"_Detective Heartfilia_?" Erza repeats in surprise. Probably because Lucy is usually such a model and hardworking detective. Crazy and wild bets are normally Natsu and Gray's thing, which they get scolded for often. Erza's eyes find her own and Lucy can't bring herself to look the woman in the face.

Cana shuffles her deck and does that thing where you let the cards fly from one hand to another really fast. "Yep. Girl's got some balls for not having genetically. Look over there on the board—she's almost tied with Dragneel here."

Erza seems somewhat more docile about the whole situation than usual. "I see. What are the conditions of this bet?"

Here, Gray decides to step in. "If Lucy wins, Natsu has to do her paperwork for three months. But if Natsu wins, Lucy has to go on a date with him. Personally, I'm cheering for Heartfilia here. I wouldn't want to go on a date with that asshole either."

"I hate you," Natsu says pleasantly.

"The feeling's mutual," Gray replies.

The Titania sends them a warning glance, but then directs her gaze to scores. They're written neatly across from the details of a recent murder uptown, the evidence of what has been transpiring for the last two weeks. She regards the columns with interest, hands in her hips, and nods.

"May the best detective win, then."

(_x_)

.

_9:52 P.M._

_Downtown Magnolia _

Juvia squints out the dirty window of the steak-out vehicle and tries to focus on the door. It seems that lately all of the backdoor accesses where bad guys like to meet up are always hidden behind dumpsters leaking toxic waste and weird steam that doesn't logically come from anywhere. It's just there, and that's weird.

In the seat next to her, Gajeel is singing along to a One Direction song that is playing on the radio, and adding 'shoo-bee-do-bops' whenever he thinks is necessary. She loves him, she really does, but it's hard enough to focus already because she can't freaking _see _the entrance where their perp is supposed to appear from. Also, everything is blurry. Maybe she should get her eyes checked again, it's possible that her prescription should be changed.

She breathes on the window and pulls down her sleeve before wiping the glass. It doesn't help. Figures.

Meanwhile, Gajeel is solo-ing along with Louis Tomlinson.

Heaving a sigh, she leans her head against the window and watches the steam that shouldn't be in the alley leak out into, hello Captain Obvious, the alley. She wonders what it would be like to be stuck in a car for hours with Gray. Would it be good? Would he sing along to the radio too? Obviously not with a boy band though—maybe something more like…Fall Out Boy. Or, or some hard rock band.

She likes Fall Out Boy.

Juvia closes her eyes and lets herself imagine the scenario for just a minute, then two. It's just them, side by side, parked along a dark street late at night and lying in wait. Their suspect never shows, so he takes her out for some midnight Chinese food and she orders too many potstickers like always because she thinks that she can eat all of them but she can't. They don't talk about work, they talk about what they like to do. He says, maybe we should do this again. Or maybe while they're waiting in the alley he just leans over and kisses her—

Her eyes snap open the same time the security door does, and Gajeel immediately shuts off the stereo and is out of the car before she can blink. For someone so big, he's impossibly fast. She joins him out on the street and they walk toward the figure lurking a few feet away. She pulls out her badge.

"MPD, we'd like to ask you a few questions about—" but before she can finish her question, he's off, leaping over junk and scaling a fence.

_Why, _she thinks, _why is this my life. _

Out loud she shouts, "why do they _always _run?!"

Gajeel is already too far ahead of her to hear.

—

**end notes: **obvious major differences will apply. also, if you're reading this, you are a _star. _


End file.
